Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Atlanta @ Tampa Bay (+3½)
Tampa is still winless at home after last week’s 30-24 loss to the Raiders. The Buccaneers defense surrendered 626 yards of offense, including 513 through the air from Derek Carr.
“It’s days like that,” Dirk Koetter said, “that you wish you had a Hall Of Fame defender like Warren Sapp on your team. Sapp knew how to make a ‘stop,’ whether that be on an offense, or a payment to a prostitute.
“Jameis Winston still needs to work on his precision. He completed only 16-of-32 passes against Oakland. One thing Jameis will never be accused of being is an accurate passer.”
The Falcons halted a two-game losing streak with a big 33-32 win over the visiting Packers last week. Matt Ryan passed for 288 yards and 3 touchdowns, including the game-winning 11-yard TD strike to Mohamed Sanu with 31 seconds left.
“That was a shootout,” Ryan said. “And Thursday night’s game could also be one as well. And that makes me glad Aqib Talib is no longer a Buccaneer.
“You can be sure balls will be flying through the air. Let’s just hope it’s that — balls, and nothing else.”
Can the Bucs keep pace with the prolific Falcons offense? They can, if Winston has 30 completed passes. But that would require him to throw it 100 times.
Falcons win, 31-24.
Pittsburgh @ Baltimore (-1)
The Steelers and Ravens had Week 8 byes, but injury issues are still a concern for both teams. For the Steelers, Ben Roethlisberger‘s recovery from knee surgery is progressing, and he returned to practice.
“I’m not sure Ben will be able to play at Baltimore,” Mike Tomlin said. “But make no mistake, Ben is a warrior. He laughs in the face of doctors who tell him he can’t play. In other words, he doesn’t need a doctor’s consent, or anyone else’s.
“We’re expecting a physical game against the Ravens, as always. When these two teams get together, you better strap it on tightly. Strap on the helmet, that is, not a sex toy that could possibly go airborne.”
The Ravens have lost four consecutive games after a 3-0 start, and head coach John Harbaugh used the bye week to identify issues and areas needing improvement.
“I gathered all my coaches,” Harbaugh said, “and we brainstormed. I even included my brother Jim, but he was no help. While we were picking our brains, he was picking his nose.
“Steelers-Ravens games are always hard-hitting. Vegas oddsmakers have set the number of reported concussions at over/under 2½, and actualconcussions at over/under 8 ½. Roger Goodell has appointed who he considers an expert in the field of brain injury, Will Smith, to monitor the situation. Just for the day, Smith will answer to the name ‘The Fresh Prince of Bell Rung.'”
Steelers win, 27-24.
Dallas @ Cleveland (+7½)
“I’m not sure if Dak has an endorsement deal,” Dez Bryant said, “but it would be a great time for Starter to offer him a contract.
“Jerry Jones is tickled to death with the fact that we lead the NFC East. That’s probably how Jerry wants to leave this world. Not necessarily leading the division, but ‘tickled to death,’ preferably by feather-toting 20-somethings.”
The Browns remained winless, losing to the visiting Jets 31-28 last week. Cleveland is 0-8.
“We already lost to the Eagles at their place in Week 1,” Hue Jackson said, “but nevertheless, I’m still targeting our next win to take place in Philadelphia. That will be on April 27, 2017, on the first day of the NFL Ddraft.
“Josh Gordon was recently released from a rehab facility. He was released ‘under his own recognizance,’ because everybody knows him there. In a perfect world, on his way out, Josh would have met Johnny Manziel, on his way in.”
Browns fans sitting in the upper deck unfurl a series of banners that mysteriously read “Ckell Speck.” It turns out the order was mixed up and the banners should have said “Spell Check.”
Dallas wins, 28-24.
Jacksonville @ Kansas City (-8)
The Jaguars were down 27-0 at halftime and eventually lost 36-22 to the Titans on Thursday night, suffering their fifth loss of the season. On Saturday, Jacksonville fired offensive coordinator Greg Olson.
“I showed Olson the door,” Gus Bradley said. “I told him to leave it open, because I’ll be going through it soon myself.
“In honor of Greg’s departure, I’ll be making the trip from the hotel to Arrowhead Stadium in the undercarriage of the bus. Once there, quarterbacks coach Nathaniel Hackett will handle play-calling duties. That means he’s tasked with calling the plays that lead to three fourth-quarter scoring drives that make the final score respectable, and make Blake Bortles relevant in fantasy football. And that reminds me to put my trash out for pickup, because it’s ‘garbage time.'”
The Chiefs hammered the Colts 30-14 at Lucas Oil Stadium last week, but it was a costly victory. Alex Smith was knocked out of the game twice with head injuries, and Spencer Ware suffered a concussion.
“Apparently,” Andy Reid said, “it was ‘Chiefs Bobblehead Day’ at Lucas Oil Stadium.’
“Alex took a beating, and many questioned why he returned to the game after his first injury. Even his wife Elizabeth is concerned about the hits he’s taking. She, like many, thinks there should be more flags hitting the turf, and less dildos.
“But Nick Foles was exceptional in relief of Alex. It says here Nick earned All Pro honors, or maybe that’s a typo and he earned Alpo honors as a top dog food salesman.”
Chiefs win, 26-21.
New York Jets @ Miami (-3½)
The Jets beat the Browns 31-28 at Cleveland, piling up 171 yards rushing. Matt Forte rushed for 82 yards and 2 touchdowns.
“Our ground game was quite prolific,” Todd Bowles said. “And so was Ryan Fitzpatrick‘s, because more than half his passes landed on the ground. I’ve seen dildos thrown with more accuracy. Hey, what do you call it when someone’s arm is in position to throw a dildo? ‘Cocked.'”
The Dolphins return from a bye week, buoyed by the emergence of running back Jay Ajayi, who has rushed for 200 yards in consecutive games. Miami is 3-4, third in the AFC East.
Miami wins, 24-17.
Detroit @ Minnesota (-5)
The Lions lost to the Texans 20-13, and are now 4-4, and 1-3 in road games. They’ll try to get back on the winning track against the struggling Vikings.
“I hear Norv Turner resigned as offensive coordinator in Minnesota,” Matthew Stafford said. “That’s big news. And it would be equally as big news in Detroit if our OC, Jim Bob Cooter, resigned. Can you imagine a headline that read ‘Cooter Out In Detroit?’ Personally, I’d give that story a read, and I’d love to see the accompanying photographs.”
The Vikings lost their second game in a row, falling 27-10 to the Bears. For a team that looked like an NFC power just a few weeks ago, Minnesota appears now to be a team in trouble.
“Even during our five-game winning streak,” Mike Zimmer said, “we had offensive woes. Now, we have offensive ‘whoas,’ because our offense has come to a complete stop.
“Luckily, we’re back at home this week. U.S. Bank has some of the best fans in the NFL. One of my favorite sections seats a collection of boat captains who are always on call to pilot a sex cruise on Lake Minnetonka. They call themselves the ‘Scanda Navy.'”
Prior to kickoff, former Vikings running back Onterrio Smith is tapped to throw out the ceremonial first fake phallic object and slings a vintage “Whizzinator” onto the U.S. Bank Stadium field. It is snagged by Lions linebacker DeAndre Levy, and according to superstition, he will be the next player to be drug-tested.”
Lions win, 22-16.
Philadelphia @ New York Giants (-3)
The Eagles lost 30-24 in overtime in Dallas, blowing an opportunity to trim the Dallas lead in the NFC East to one game. Philly took a 10-point lead into the fourth quarter, but late miscues allowed the Cowboys to send the game to OT.
“I’m disappointed,” Doug Pederson said, “that a fan threw a sex toy onto the field and it wasn’t an Eagles fan.
“And speaking of ‘flying dildos,’ Josh Huff was arrested for speeding in Philadelphia on Tuesday morning. He was also charged with possession of marijuana and a firearm. Now that’s what I call getting caught with the ‘smoking gun.'”
The Giants returned from a bye week after beating the Rams in London. New York is 4-3, two games behind the Cowboys in the NFC East.
“I feel like Roger Goodell wants congratulations for suspending Josh Brown,” Eli Manning said. “Sorry Roger, you won’t get it for simply doing the right thing. Maybe you should give yourself a high five. Of course, should you give yourself a high five and miss, what you get is a ‘slap on the wrist.'”
The Eagles secondary takes Odell Beckham, Jr. out of his game with mind games and tight coverage. Officials mysteriously pick up three pass interference flags called on the Eagles cornerbacks, who later swear they never put their hands on Beckham.
Philadelphia wins, 22-17.
Carolina @ Los Angeles (+3)
The Panthers won for only the second time this season with a decisive 30-20 win over the visiting Cardinals. Jonathan Stewart rushed for 2 scores, and the Carolina defense sacked Carson Palmer eight times and forced 2 Palmer turnovers.
“Cam Newton again took some hits that should have been flagged. And he wants to talk to Roger Goodell about it. I’m not sure that will do much good, because we all know Goodell is soft on abusive relationships.”
The Rams started the season 3-1 but have since lost three in a row. They’ll try to rebound against the Panthers and Cam Newton.
“We’re on pace to finish the season,” Jeff Fisher said, “on January 1st. That’s right on schedule for a Jeff Fisher-coached team.
“Hopefully, we can get Todd Gurley on track. He’s averaging only 3 yards a carry. I don’t want to say it’s like Todd’s running in wet cement; it’s more like he’s running in soup, a thick, hearty soup. Of course, we’d prefer his gains of yardage to be chunky, in addition to the soup.
“We’ll need clarification before the game about what parts of Cam Newton we are allowed to touch. But I do think Newton has a point about taking too many shots to the head. Let’s face it, if it continues, Newton could very well be incapacitated later in life. Heck, he may not even be able to dress himself. Of course, that may be in his best interests.”
The Rams take a 10-0, but a Luke Kuechley interception spurs a Carolina turnaround. Newton proves to be a big headache for the Rams with a rushing score and a TD pass to Greg Olsen.
Panthers win, 23-17.
New Orleans @ San Francisco (+3)
The Saints upset the Seahawks 25-20 in the Superdome, as Drew Brees passed for 265 yards and a touchdown.
“Drew even rushed for a touchdown,” Sean Payton said. “That’s not something you see every day, certainly not from a Saints running back.
“Mark Ingram has experienced some fumbling problems lately. That’s why he was benched for the remainder of the game after his fumble. That’s just how it is. If you can’t protect the ball, you sit. If he has a problem, he needs to sit down, shut up, and know his role, Tide.”
The 49ers emerge from their bye week with a 1-6 record and a date with the Saints third-ranked passing offense.
“I won’t lie,” Chip Kelly said. “We’ve got a tough task standing before us. But at least it’s standing.
“Colin Kaepernick is still our starting quarterback. I’m sure a lot of people are sick of talking about Colin’s kneeling. Most, like me, would rather be talking about his passing. Let me rephrase that: I’d rather be talking about his throwing.”
Brees passes for 278 yards and 3 touchdowns, and the Saints win, 30-24.
Indianapolis @ Green Bay (-7)
Despite 4 touchdown passes from Aaron Rodgers, the Packers lost 33-32 to the Falcons in Atlanta.
“Being the quarterback of this year’s Green Bay teams comes with quite a bit of baggage,” Rodgers said. “Like, for example, a non-existent running game, and a defense that can’t stop the run or the pass. But it is what it is. If we’re going to make a Super Bowl run, I’ll have to take this baggage with me. I like to call that evidence that I’m the ultimate ‘Packer.’
“I’m sure you’ve heard about the sex toy that was tossed on the Ralph Wilson Stadium field at last week’s Patriots/Bills game. In a sense, I can relate to the opposite issue, because I’ve been accused of being a ‘real dick’ on the field. So, to you few fans at the game on Sunday who would even dare to sling something like that on the field, just remember: ‘L-A-T-E-X.'”
The Colts lost to the visiting Chiefs 30-14 at Lucas Oil Stadium and are now 3-5 in the AFC South, two games behind the Texans. The Chiefs held Andrew Luck in check, allowing only two touchdown passes while forcing 2 Luck turnovers.
“I was also sacked 6 times,” Luck said. “That’s 25 on the year. That’s entirely too many, because, for one thing, it takes entirely too long for me to put on all the extra protective gear I need to wear. So, as you would expect, before I stand behind my offensive line, I have to ‘brace myself.’
“I’m looking forward to playing against Aaron Rodgers. We have a lot in common. We both went to college in California, we both succeeded legendary quarterbacks, we both wear No. 12, and we both are physically gifted athletes. You could say we have all the measurables. Hopefully, we won’t get hit by any flying pleasurables on the field Sunday.”
Green Bay wins, 34-30.
Tennessee @ San Diego (-5½)
The Titans dominated the Jaguars 36-22 last Thursday, piling up nearly 500 yards of offense in the process. Tennessee improved to 4-4, one game
“I think the verdict is out,” Marcus Mariota said. “Jacksonville can’t beat Tennessee. And I’m pretty sure they can’t beat Alabama, or any other SEC team, for that matter.”
The Chargers lost 27-19 to the Broncos, who avenged their Week 6 loss at San Diego. Philip Rivers was intercepted three times and sacked four times.
“I don’t think the Denver defense appreciated my behavior towards them in Week 6,” Rivers said. “So they scheduled an ‘INT-ervention.’
“I’ve thrown for 15 touchdowns this season. But we’ve lost four games by less than three points, often because of a late mistake. So, when I’m not throwing my hands up to signal a touchdown, I’m throwing my hands up in frustration.”
The Titans ground and pound, and rush for 154 yards as a team.
Tennessee wins, 27-24.
Denver @ Oakland (even)
The Broncos sacked Philip Rivers four times and picked him off 3 times as the Broncos beat the Chargers, 27-19.
“We wanted to make sure Rivers knew what his defense was all about,” Chris Harris said. “It’s called the ‘No Fly Zone.’ Rivers is a Catholic with eight children; I doubt he even acknowledges the ‘No Fly Zone.’
“Say what you will about Trevor Siemian, but he’s 6-1 as a starter this year. I think he’s established himself as good enough to play quarterback in the NFL, and outfield in the Arizona Fall League, for that matter.”
The Raiders beat the Buccaneers 30-24 in overtime, winning on Seth Roberts 41-yard touchdown pass from Derek Carr. On the day, Carr passed for 513 yards and 4 touchdowns.
“Only against the Buccaneers defense is offensive output measured in nautical miles,” Carr said.
“This is the biggest game in Oakland in a long time. I’m sure the ‘Black Hole’ will be louder than ever. Those fans get pretty wild. If a fan in Buffalo tossed a sex toy on the field, you can surely bet a crazy fan in Oakland will try to one-up that. So I suggest all fans who call themselves real Raiders supporters in the ‘Black Hole’ bring two dildos to throw.”
Raiders win, 26-23.
Buffalo @ Seattle (-7)
The Bills were blown out by the visiting Patriots 45-21 and are now 7-1. Tom Brady passed for 315 yards and 4 touchdowns.
“Tom Brady is like a bottle of fine wine that wants to stick it to Roger Goodell,” Rex Ryan said. “He gets better with age, and rage.
“They call the fans at Century Link Stadium the ’12s.’ That’s a trend that seems to be catching on, assigning a numeric name to the fans in your stadium. Rob Gronkowski likes to call the fans in Gillette Stadium the ’69s.’ Heck, Gronk likes calling anything ’69.’ You know what I’m talking ’bout, baby.”
The Seahawks offense again sputtered, resulting in a 25-20 loss to the Saints in New Orleans. Seattle is 4-2-1 and atop the NFC West.
“I’m appalled that Bills fans would throw a sex toy on the field in Buffalo,” Pete Carroll said. “Any Seattle fan would tell you they would have run it onto the field.”
Seattle wins, 20-16.