Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
Atlanta @ New Orleans (+3)
Robert Alford’s 59-yard interception return for a touchdown in overtime gave the Falcons a 25-19 win over the visiting Redskins. Atlanta remained undefeated and now faces the Saints in the Falcons’ first NFC South matchup this season.
“We’re not always going to blow teams out,” Dan Quinn said. “We proved we can grind out a victory, and win in thrilling fashion. When that happens, call us the ‘Drama Quinns.’
“Julio Jones is still ailing. He’s got a sore right toe to go along with an injured right hamstring. Julio says he treats his left and right leg equally; I don’t believe him, he’s clearly favoring his right leg.”
“Reports say Sean Payton may not be back in New Orleans next year,” Brees said. “Reports say Rob Ryan may not be back in New Orleans tomorrow. It can’t be that Rob doesn’t know football. He is the brother of Rex Ryan and the son of Buddy Ryan, for Christ’s sake. Not only is Rob football-minded, he’s football-shaped.
“But I’m just as responsible for our misfortunes as our defense. We’re 1-4, dead last in the NFC South. Thursday’s contest is a must-win game for us, the first in a series of at least three. And we’ll need everything working in our favor to beat the Falcons. I dare say we’ll need an act of god to find the wherewithal to win.”
It’s do or die for the Saints. With a loss, they’re five games out of the lead in the South. So actually it’s a matter of do or deep doo doo.
Atlanta wins 31-25.
Washington @ NY Jets (-6)
The Jets enjoyed a bye week after their week 4 win over the Dolphins in London. New York is 3-1 in the AFC East, one game behind the Patriots.
“Add Joe Philbin to the list of coaches we got fired,” Calvin Pace said. “Philbin was fired soon after we beat the Dolphins in Wembley Stadium. I guess you would call that getting ‘Brit-canned.’
“Speaking of Philbin, have you ever noticed that coaches that wear ball caps don’t last in the NFL. Guess who else wears a cap? Jay Gruden. But what has he really done for this team? Nothing. So despite Washington being the home of the Redskins, Gruden can’t even claim a feather in his cap.”
The Redskins held Julio Jones without a catch in the first half and held a 7-3 lead on the Falcons at halftime. But after a back-and-forth affair that saw several lead changes, Kirk Cousins errant pass was picked off and returned for a TD in overtime, handing the ‘Skins a heartbreaking 25-19 loss.
“Kirk wishes he could have that one back,” Jay Gruden said. “I can’t tell you how many times this organization has said that to the St. Louis Rams. Wait, yes I can. Six times.”
The Jets force three turnovers, and Antonio Cromartie returns a Cousins’ interception for a touchdown.
New York wins 21-12.
Arizona @ Pittsburgh (+3)
The Steelers stunned the Chargers at Quallcomm Stadium, winning on Le’Veon Bell’s one-yard TD plunge as time expired. Michael Vick bounced back from a terrible first half, tossing a 72-yard touchdown bomb to Markus Wheaton midway through the fourth quarter.
“Le’Veon lined up in the ‘wildcat’ formation,” Mike Tomlin said, “with Vick split out wide. When Vick’s behind center, we call that the ‘wildcard’ formation, because we don’t know what we’re going to get. I believe there’s only one drawback to using the ‘wildcat,’ and that is using it always brings up Tim Tebow’s name.
“Vick may not be a great quarterback. But, apparently, he is a great doctor. Why? Because more than anyone, he’s considerably speeded up Ben Roethlisberger’s recovery from a knee injury.”
The Cardinals bounced back from their week 4 loss to the Rams, blasting the Lions 42-17 at Ford Field. Arizona is 4-1 and holds a two-game lead over the Seahawks and Rams in the NFC West.
“I thought the officials gave the Lions a fair deal,” Bruce Arians said. “And so did we. There was no illegal batting, just a legal beating.
“This is a rematch of Super Bowl 43.That was the last time the Steelers won the Super Bowl, and the last time anyone heard from Santonio Holmes. Santonio had a great run. He really knew how to work a ‘corner,’ and that had nothing to do with his ability to beat a defensive back.”
Pittsburgh wins 24-21.
Kansas City @ Minnesota (-3 1/2)
The Chiefs blew a 17-3 second quarter lead and lost 18-17 to the Bears. Jamaal Charles tore his ACL in the second quarter, and is out for the season. Kansas City is 1-4 and has lost four in a row.
“Jamaal is the heart and soul of this offense,” Alex Smith said. “I had nothing to do with his injury, but I have been known to rip the heart and soul out of this team.
“Jamaal’s injury gives the Vikes a distinct edge in the running game. A.P. says he was ready for the NFL right out of high school. I’m not so sure he was. At 18 years old, you’re still a child, and you’d be playing against grown men. And that puts you and them in a bad position. I’d say most NFL players don’t want to abuse a child. But most NFL players aren’t Adrian Peterson.”
The Vikings enjoyed a bye week and are rejuvenated as they host the Chiefs.
“Injuries happen,” Teddy Bridgewater said. “And bye weeks are necessary to recover from those. Trust me, this team knows all about the healing process.
“You’ve probably heard about the escort scandal at Louisville. I’m sure Rick Pitino didn’t want this all to come to light. Sorry Rick, it’s all on the table now. How is a tablecloth like a opportunistic skeezer you meet at a restaurant? You can spread both of them.
“Keep in mind, those indiscretions were just among the basketball team. I never had any experience involving strippers, escorts, or prostitutes, until my first cruise on Lake Minnetonka.”
Minnesota wins 27-13.
Cincinnati @ Buffalo (+3 1/2)
The Bengals undefeated record is intact after a thrilling 27-24 overtime win over Seattle last week. Andy Dalton led the comeback from a 24-7 third quarter deficit, rushing for a score and passing for another in the fourth quarter.
“The Paul Brown Stadium crowd was in hysterics,” Dalton said. “It felt like we won a playoff game. But how would I know what that feels like?
“The Bills may have the league’s fifth-best rushing defense, but we plan on running the ball anyway. We have two great running backs in Giovanni Bernard and Jeremy Hill. That’s a two-headed beast. Collectively, Giovanni and Jeremy have two left feet. By himself, Jeremy has two left hands.”
“Tyrod can do it all,” Rex Ryan said. “In addition to his skills as a passer and runner, he can catch as well. Maybe I should start calling him ‘Tripod’ Taylor.
“The Bengals may be the hottest team in the NFL. But they’ve got that 0-4 playoff record hovering over them. That alone should garner them a fair amount of sympathy in the city of Buffalo.”
Health will be the deciding factor on Sunday at Ralph Wilson Stadium. The Bengals are healthy; the Bills and Rex Ryan are sick and perverted.
Cincinnati wins 29-10.
Chicago @ Detroit (-2 1/2)
The Lions’ woes continued, as the visiting Cardinals blew them out of their own building, 42-17. Matthew Stafford was benched in the third quarter after throwing three interceptions and misfiring on several passes.
“I think Stafford hit rock bottom,” Calvin Johnson said. “Jim Caldwell said ‘There’s the floor, Matt,’ then he said, ‘There’s the door, Matt.’
“We lost that game fair and square, unlike the Seattle game. But we’re over that injustice. Coach Jim Caldwell told us not to talk about it. Personally, I’m very angry. But Coach’s ability to remain calm is amazing. The only time he gets ‘incensed’ is when he meditates in his hookah den.”
“A lot of people are surprised by the grit I showed playing through a hamstring injury,” Cutler said. “Fans of other teams have notice. When a Bears fan say to someone, ‘Hey, Jay Cutler is our quarterback,’ that person always responds, ‘Tough.’”
Calvin Johnson grabs two TD passes from Stafford, and the Lions win 27-24.
Denver @ Cleveland (+4)
The Broncos look to improve to 6-0 as they visit the Dawg Pound in Cleveland. Denver’s defense dominated the Raiders last week, limiting them to just 65 yards on the ground and forcing two Derek Carr turnovers.
“Our defense is great at exploiting a quarterback’s weaknesses,” Peyton Manning said, “and even better at hiding mine. Heck, our defense makes the opposing quarterback more likely to throw a touchdown pass than me.
“We know that the city of Cleveland has bad memories of the Broncos visiting. I was told not, under any circumstances, to mention John Elway and the 1986 AFC championship game. It seems I, much like Josh Gordon, have lost my ‘Drive-ing’ privileges.”
The Browns won an overtime shootout in Baltimore, winning 33-30 on Travis Coons 32-yard field goal in the extra period. Josh McCown torched the Ravens for 457 yards through the air, two passing scores, and a rushing touchdown.
“Josh is the NFL’s best quarterback,” Donte Whitner said. “That may sound like hyperbole, until I clarify with the words ‘with the last name ‘McCown.’ Josh had a great game. You know you’re hot when your receiver catches of ball with his legs. Kudos to Gary Barnridge for doing his Kegel exercises.
“We’re going to go after Manning. He’s a shell of the player he used to be physically. Peyton can sell Buick’s, but that’s about the extent of his ‘motor skills.’ Not many people realize it, but he has the best stiff arm in the league.”
The Broncos commit to the run, with 38 rushes, and Manning flexes his muscle on a short screen to Demaryius Thomas that turns into a 65-yard TD score.
Denver wins 24-14.
Houston @ Jacksonville (+1)
The Texans dropped to 1-4, losing 27-20 to the Colts last Thursday. Brian Hoyer will start against the Jaguars. Hoyer took over for Ryan Mallett against the Colts after an injury force Mallett out of the game.
“As they say,” Hoyer said, “’Move your feet, lose your seat.’ Mallett is not happy that he’s lost the starting job. He’s listed as ‘P’ for ‘pouting.’”
“That’s just terrible defense,” Gus Bradley said. “I’m sickened. And our owner Shad Khan is, as well. He even developed a case of hives. It’s called the ‘Rash Of Khan.’
“I can promise you we’ll be better against the Texans. I’ve watched film of both Mallett and Hoyer, and much like Bill O’Brien, I can’t decide…..which one is worse.”
Jacksonville wins 23-22.
Miami @ Tennessee (-2 1/2)
After the Dolphins lost 27-14 to the Jets in London, head coach Joe Philbin was fired and replaced by tight ends coach Dan Campbell.
“Joe is one of the nicest guys in the NFL,” Mike Tannenbaum said. “But we had to kindly let him go.
“The team has had several good practices under Campbell. As you know, the purpose of a good practice is to learn. And Ryan Tannehill has really shined in those, because he got ‘schooled’ by the practice squad.”
Miami wins 24-14.
Carolina @ Seattle (-6 1/2)
The Seahawks host the undefeated Panthers in a rematch of last year’s divisional playoff, won 31-17 by Seattle. The Seahawks are in dire straits after squandering a 24-7 lead and eventually losing 27-24 to the Bengals in overtime.
“It seems we caught ‘Jungle Fever,’” Pete Carroll said, “because we’re a hot mess.
“You probably saw ESPN’s ’30 For 30’ broadcast of ‘Trojan War,’ which documented the rise and fall of the USC program while I was coach. You must understand, the head coaching job at Southern California comes with great responsibility, and even more glamour. I was drunk with power, as opposed to being just drunk.”
The Panthers are 4-0 and enjoyed a week 5 bye. The Seahawks represent Carolina’s toughest opponent thus far; the Panthers four wins came over teams with a combined 5-15 record.
“Kam is like having an extra player on the field for the Seahawks. Add their home crowd to the mix, and it’s like you’re facing a team of 13. Factor in the officiating crew, and we’re facing a team of 19.
“Hopefully, if I get hit out of bounds by a Seahawks player, the officials will call a roughing penalty. Who’s says I’m not old enough to get roughed up? Certainly not Adrian Peterson.”
Seattle wins 23-13.
San Diego @ Green Bay (-7)
The Packer remained defeated, beating the Rams 24-10 in Green Bay to improve to 5-0. Aaron Rodgers passed for 241 yards and two touchdowns, but also had two interceptions and a lost fumble.
“I guess I’m human,” Rodgers said. “Luckily, today’s NFL is much more accepting of homo sapiens.”
The Chargers lost on the final play of the game, giving up a one-yard TD run to Le’Veon Bell as the Steelers escaped with a 24-20 win.
“On the bright side,” Philip Rivers said, “Antonio Gates returned to the lineup and I hit him for two touchdowns. He couldn’t have returned at a better time. At least someone in San Diego has a sense of good timing.”
Rodgers outguns Rivers, and the Packers remain undefeated with a 31-24 win.
Baltimore @ San Francisco (+2 1/2)
The Ravens surrendered over 500 yards of total offense to the Browns, including 457 passing to Josh McCown, in a 33-30 overtime loss to the Browns.
“That’s pathetic,” John Harbaugh said. “That kind of performance would send Ray Lewis into a convulsive hissy fit. In years past, those silly shenanigans were always a great inspiration to the Ravens, because Ray was a master of timing his seizures to occur during pre-game introductions.”
“Maybe this will silence my critics,” Kaepernick said. “I’ve been known to kiss my right bicep. For a while, that was the only ‘love’ my right arm seemed to get.”
San Francisco wins 27-24.
New England @ Indianapolis (+7 1/2)
The 3-2 Colts face the undefeated Patriots at Lucas Oil Stadium. Andrew Luck returns to the lineup after missing the last two games with a shoulder injury.
The Patriots hammered the Cowboys 30-6 at AT&T Stadium last week. Tom Brady passed for two touchdowns and a rushing score as the Pats cruised.
“I’m now 1-0 versus Brandon Weeden,” Tom Brady said. “But who isn’t? Now, Weeden’s been benched for Matt Cassel. Cassel will don that helmet with the familiar Dallas logo on it. So, once again, the Patriots have made Cassel a ‘star.’
“Greg Hardy sacked me twice early in the game. And Dallas fans loved it. Cowboys’ fans can forget about the ‘past’ just as easily as their offense can forget about the ‘pass.’”
The Patriots win the coin toss and elect to receive. Brady comes out “guns blazing,” while center Bryan Stork, who accidentally sat in a box of donuts prior to the game, comes out “buns glazing.”
New England wins 38-20.
NY Giants @ Philadelphia (-3 1/2)
Sam Bradford overcame two early interceptions to pass for 333 yards and two scores as the Eagles pounded the Saints 39-17. Philadelphia is now 2-3 in the NFC East.
“See,” Chip Kelly said, ‘I told you it was just a matter of execution. So, it was my players’ fault that we started 1-3. I live by the words of former Eagle great Cris Carter, you do need a scapegoat.”
“441 yards?” Manning said. “This year, that’s about four games worth for my brother Peyton. In years past, the only thing it would take Peyton four games in which to match my numbers is interceptions.
The Eagles break out their all-black uniforms, and no one is more surprised than Riley Cooper, who can’t believe he was named to an all-black team.
Philadelphia wins 26-24.