Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
Miami @ New England (-7 1/2)
The Dolphins crushed the Texans 44-26 last week, racing to a 41-0 halftime lead before cruising in the second half. Miami improved to 3-3 with its second consecutive win.
“We raced to a 41-0 halftime lead,” Dan Campbell said, “and cruised to the win. Here at South Beach, we call that ‘coasting.’ It appears that our practice squad is much better than the real defense of the Texans.
“I’ve brought a new attitude to this team. Under Joe Philbin, it was a trying time for the players. Under me, it’s a trying harder time for the players.”
The Patriots remained undefeated, turning back the Jets 30-23 to improve to 6-0. Tom Brady passed for 355 yards and two touchdowns and rushed for another score.
“Sometimes,” Brady said, “I have to put this team on my back. Sometimes, I have to put my hand on a bible. The outcome is the same in either case: I win.
“The Dolphins certainly look like a contender now. They’ve won two in a row in impressive fashion. And speaking of ‘impressive fashion,’ have you seen Julian Edelman in his Puma’s? I’m no Julian Edelman, because you couldn’t pay me to wear those.”
Belichick gets in the Halloween spirit, making his way to a pre-game press conference at Gillette Stadium dressed as a Buddhist monk. Members of the press are informed that Belichick’s vow of silence prohibits him from answering any question, and the press conference comes to an immediate end.
The Patriots put away the game in the fourth quarter. Brady finds Gronkowski, who polishes/Polish-es off the Dolphins with three catches and a touchdown in the fourth quarter, because “Momma said Gronk you out.”
Brady passes for 310 yards and four touchdowns.
New England wins 34-23.
Detroit @ Kansas City (-5 1/2)</h3>
The Chiefs defense forced three Landry Jones turnovers and ground their way to a 23-13 win over the visiting Chiefs. Charcandrick West rushed for 110 yards and a touchdown, and Alex Smith passed for a score.
“We desperately needed a win,” Smith said. “Some people say we desperately need to substitute ‘quarterback’ for ‘win’ in that statement.”
The Lions lost 28-19 to the Vikings, surrendering 425 yards of total offense in the loss. The Lions are 1-6, last in the NFC North.
“We were dominated,” Matthew Stafford said. “The Vikes had their way with us, which may be okay on Lake Minnetonka, but not at Ford Field.
“We’re shaking things up on offense. Offensive coordinator Joe Lombardi was fired on Monday; quarterbacks coach Jim Bob Cooter was promoted to the position. It was a popular move, because, let’s face it, everybody loves Cooter. Cooter’s family/relatives down in Hazard County, Georgia are thrilled as well.”
Stafford is nursing an injury in his non-throwing hand. On the other hand is his right hand, which he uses to throw 100% of his interceptions.
Kansas City forces two turnovers, and the Chiefs win 24-17.
Tampa Bay @ Atlanta (-7 1/2)</h3>
The Bucs blew a 24-0 lead over the Redskins, losing 31-30. Tampa was penalized 16 times for 142 yards, which contributed to the loss.
“Those penalties killed us,” Jameis Winston said. “We need to be better. There’s no sarcasm in my voice when I say, ‘We need to be held accountable for our actions.’
“I had one of my better games. I passed for 297 yards and two scores without a turnover. My rating for the game was 128.1. That was much higher than Ryan’s rating in the Tennessee game, and even higher than Warren Sapp’s credit score.
The Falcons bounced back from their loss in New Orleans with a 10-7 win over the Titans at LP Field.
“We found a way to win,” Matt Ryan said. “Once again, Julio Jones proved that he’s the NFL’s biggest playmaker, and he’s off to a blazing start to the season. Here in Atlanta, Julio draws comparisons to former Falcon Andre Rison, because Julio’s been getting on like a house on fire.”
Atlanta wins 31-21.
Arizona @ Cleveland (+4)</h3>
“Johnny had ‘mop-up’ duty,” Mike Pettine said. “In most cases, that’s his lawyer’s job.
“Johnny will start against the Cardinals. Hopefully, his highlight reel will be something other than police dashcam footage.”
The Cardinals improved to 6-1 after turning back the visiting Ravens 26-18 on Monday night. Carson Palmer passed for 275 yards and two touchdowns.
“Carson has been our constant,” Bruce Arians said. “He’s been so good this year, it makes my knees buckle.
“The hottest Halloween costume in Arizona this year is the ‘Honey Badger Boo Boo.’ The costume consists of a Tyrann Mathieu No. 32 jersey, a set of hillbilly teeth, a pregnancy test kit, undersized women’s leggings, a box of Fruity Pebbles, four satellite dishes, and an unused Funk And Wagnalls Encyclopedia set. Of course, don’t forget to read the fine print. It says: ‘Family of morons not included.’”
The Cards pick off Josh McCown twice, and Patrick Peterson returns a punt for a touchdown.
Arizona wins 27-20.
San Francisco @ St. Louis (-9)</h3>
The 49ers lost 20-3 to the Seahawks last Thursday, as the Seattle defense sacked Colin Kaepernick six times and held San Francisco to 142 yards of total offense.
“We had six three and outs,” Mike Tomsula said. “Seven, if you count the final score.
“There are rumors that Kaepernick has been ostracized by his teammates. I think a more factual statement would be he’s been ‘ostrich-eyes-d’ by his teammates, because when Colin plays, they want to hide their heads in the ground.”
Todd Gurley rushed for 128 yards and two touchdowns in the Rams 24-6 win over Cleveland.
“Todd has given this team the power back we’ve been looking for,” Jeff Fisher said. “Hopefully, he’ll be the last in a succession of ‘Girlie’ men.
“Our defense is going to come after Kaepernick. Kaepernick doesn’t have a nickname, but I have a suggestion for one: ‘No Montana.’”
Rams win 28-9.
NY Giants @ New Orleans (-3 1/2)</h3>
The Giants forced four Dallas turnovers and had two return touchdowns in a 27-20 win over the Cowboys. New York is 4-3 and leading the NFC East.
“New Orleans is known as the ‘Big Easy,’” Eli Manning said. “Jason Pierre-Paul is known as the ‘Big Three-sy.’ The team re-examined JPP’s hand on Tuesday. As much as they wanted to, they couldn’t give him two thumbs up.
“My father Archie played for the Saints for over ten seasons,” Manning said. “He was sacked 35 times or more is six seasons, so, you could say he popularized the ‘sack’ in New Orleans, or at least the one the fans wore over their heads.”
The Saints jumped to an early 20-0 lead and held on to beat the Colts 27-21. The Saints rushed for three touchdowns and improved to 3-4.
“For a long time,” Drew Brees said, “many have equated Saints football with a high-powered passing attack. No more. We have a powerful rushing attack. If you choose to discount our run game, then you’re playing with fire. It’s dumb to play with fire, and it’s even dumber to play with fireworks. If someone advises you not to play with fireworks, don’t blow it off.”
Giants win 30-27.
Minnesota @ Chicago (+1)</h3>
The Vikings beat the Lions 28-19, led by Teddy Bridgewater’s 316 yards through the air and two touchdowns.
“We may be the least talked about 4-2 team in the NFL,” Bridgewater said. “That’s fine with us. Stefon Diggs has really opened up our passing game. He has speed to burn. He’s zipped past many a cornerback. Here in Minnesota, we call him the ‘Whizzinator.’ That’s not to be confused with the ‘Whizzinator’ made infamous by former Viking Onterrio Smith. The NFL made it clear to Smith, that won’t fly.”
The Bears proceed from their bye week with a 2-4 record, having won two of their last three games.
“So,” John Fox said, “was it tobacco or shellfish that made Peterson sick? He must not be from Chicago. If he was, he’d be sure it was Jay Cutler that made him sick.
“Peterson is no Walter Payton. A.P. will never be voted ‘Man Of The Year,’ but he insists he’s ‘Man Of The House.’”
Chicago wins 27-26.
San Diego @ Baltimore (-3)</h3>
The Chargers lost at home to the Raiders 37-29, dropping their third consecutive game. Philip Rivers passed for 336 yards and three touchdowns, but had two costly interceptions.
“In our last two games,” Rivers said, “I’ve thrown the ball 122 times. I’m a devout Catholic with seven children; who would have guessed the appendage of mine most likely to fall off would be my right arm?
“I hear Ray Lewis just released a new book. It’s called ‘I Feel Like Going On: Life, Game, And Glory.’ Not surprisingly, it’s not a tell-all book. Also not surprisingly, the first day of sales was marked with a ‘guilty’ party.”
The Ravens fell to 1-6, losing a tough 26-18 decision to the Cardinals at University Of Phoenix Stadium. Joe Flacco’s interception in the end zone ended Baltimore’s hopes of tying in regulation.
“At 1-6,” John Harbaugh said, “we’ve dug ourselves a hole that will be almost impossible to get out of. If someone would have told me at the beginning of the season we’d be 1-6, I’d have said, ‘What hole did you crawl out of?’
“But we’re not resigning ourselves to last place in the AFC North. The Bengals are undefeated, but there’s no way they can continue that pace. Can you imagine the Bengals going 16-0? If you can, then you have a vivid imagination, and you also know they’ll finish the season 16-1.”
Baltimore wins 30-24.
Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh (Even)</h3>
The Bengals bye week was made even sweeter by the fact that all three AFC North rivals lost last week. Cincinnati is 6-0, three games up in the loss column on the second place Steelers.
“Pittsburgh offensive lineman Ramon Foster said he thinks we’ll try to exploit Ben Roethlisberger’s injury,” Marvin Lewis said. “That’s a ludicrous statement. I can’t speak for a Las Vegas stripper, or Amari Cooper’s head, but I don’t believe there’s a single dirty player on this team. Some people just say things for effect. Place a microphone in front of some players and they’ll say something crazy. In Pittsburgh, I believe they call that ‘Mic Mularkey.’”
Turnovers were the downfall in Pittsburgh’s 23-13 loss at Arrowhead Stadium last week. Now 4-3, the Steelers need a win in Cincinnati to remain in the AFC North race.
“There are things Landry Jones could have done better,” Mike Tomlin said. “In fact, there are a lot of them. I’ve put together a ‘Landry list’ of mistakes he made.”
Cincinnati wins 27-24.
After the game, Roethlisberger is caught with his pants down in a changing room in Paul Brown Stadium.
Tennessee @ Houston (Even)</h3>
The Texans were blasted 44-26 by the Dolphins last week, and fell to 2-5 on the season. Bryan Hoyer struggled, completing only one of his first 11 passes.
“Ryan Mallett missed his flight to the game,” Bill O’Brien said, “and had to catch a commercial flight. That just goes to show you, our quarterbacks can’t do anything right through the air.
“For his actions, Mallett was cut on Tuesday. I don’t know who Ryan thinks he is, flaunting his disobedience like he has. I don’t think he wants to put in the work necessary to become a good quarterback. On the bright side, he doesn’t have to do a thing with Halloween fast approaching, because he’s masquerading as a quarterback. Pair him up with Brian Hoyer, and their collective mediocrity gives you a ‘Pair-A-Normal Quarterbacks.’”
The Titans, without Marcus Mariota, slowed the Falcons high-powered offense but were wrecked by their own offensive shortcomings in a 10-7 loss.
Houston wins 24-20.
NY Jets @ Oakland (+2)</h3>
The Raiders exploded for 30 first half points and withstood the Chargers furious fourth quarter comeback attempt to secure a 37-29 win.
The Jets lost 30-23 at New England last week. Brandon Marshall dropped a touchdown pass late in the game, and also committed the game-ending penalty.
“That loss is on me,” Marshall said. “So, on Sunday at Oakland, I’ll be wearing magenta shoes in honor of ‘Scapegoat Awareness.’”
Jets win 23-18.
Seattle @ Dallas (+5 1/2)</h3>
The Seahawks dominated the 49ers last Thursday night, limiting San Fran to only eight first downs in a 20-3 win. Seattle is 3-4, tied for second in the NFC West.
“You could say the 49ers offense ‘ran into a stop sign,’” Richard Sherman said.
“We’ve had ten days to prepare for the Cowboys. So, we’ve had a lot of free time on our hands. Without Tony Romo and Dez Bryant, the Dallas offense is just not the same. In ‘Big D,’ there is shrinkage.”
“Dez and Greg just had a disagreement,” Jason Garrett said. “Since it happened on our sideline, it’s known as a ‘domestic dispute.’
“People have questioned Jerry Jones’ handling of Greg Hardy. People are also skeptical about his investment in Draft Kings. What’s the big deal with that? Everybody knows Jerry has ‘daily fantasies,’ and at his age, of course he has to pay for them.”
Seattle wins 26-16.
Green Bay @ Denver (+3)</h3>
“Rodgers has clearly assumed the role of the best quarterback in the NFL,” Manning said. “That’s a title I held at once. I’d like to symbolically ‘pass the torch’ to Rodgers, but I’m not sure my arm can handle it.”
Sunday’s contest at Sports Authority Stadium will be the first of two consecutive Packers road games against undefeated team. Green Bay travels to Carolina in week 9.
“That’s a tough stretch,” Rodgers said. “You know what else is a tough stretch? Eddie Lacy touching his toes with a hamstring injury.
“Denver’s defense is the No. 1-rated unit in the league. They’ll have their hands full on Sunday night. It’s not often a defense has it hands full with two future Hall Of Fame quarterbacks.”
Denver wins 23-21.
Indianapolis @ Carolina (-7)</h3>
The Colts fell to 3-4 after last week’s 27-21 loss to New Orleans at Lucas Oil Stadium.
“Despite our troubles,” Andrew Luck said, “we’re still breaking new ground on special teams. It’s not often the players on the punting team have to be warned to ‘Watch out for the fake.’”
The Panthers remained undefeated with a 27-16 win over the Eagles last Monday night. Cam Newton passed for a score and rushed for another to lead Carolina to their third home win.
“The Colts are 3-4,” Cam Newton said. “They’ve lost two straight, so I bet they’re hungry. I hope they like yogurt.”
Panthers win 27-24.