Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
Denver Vs. Carolina (-5 ½)
The Broncos advanced to the Super Bowl with a narrow 20-18 win over the Patriots, led by a defense that leveled Tom Brady with four sacks and twenty quarterback hits. Peyton Manning tossed two touchdown passes, both to Owen Daniels.
“What an exceptional effort by our defense,” Manning said. “Those guys have carried me all season, and trust me, I weigh more than you think. How much do I weigh? About the same as a large albatross. Anyway, I just hope our defense has enough left to carry me off the field after the game.
“Wade Phillips and the defense executed to perfection. Tom Brady struggled to find any type of rhythm. Let’s face it, Brady is more uncomfortable under pressure than he is under oath. I think the altitude also affected the Patriots. Not surprisingly, they needed more air.
“You may not know this, but one of my offensive linemen, Louis Vasquez, has an incontinence issue, and wears adult diapers. But that’s not my problem. As I told Brock Osweiler earlier this year, ‘I refuse to discuss a changing of the guard.’
“The Panthers and Cam Newton present a huge challenge for us. Athletically, Newton is from another planet, but I have more in common with Newton than most would think. Like Newton, I was recruited by Mississippi State. However, I was strongly leaning towards Tennessee. So, much like Cam’s father Cecil famously stated, my father told them it would take ‘more than a scholarship’ for me to play there.”
The Panthers walloped the visiting Cardinals 49-15, as Cam Newton ran for two touchdowns and passed for two others, while the Carolina defense forced seven turnovers.
“Young Panthers fans love sitting in the front row seats of the end zone,” Newton said, “for the same reason I like playing the Cardinals, because there will be lots of giveaways.
“Surprisingly, there are some people that don’t like me. I scare them. I think it’s because I’m black and they have no one to compare me to. Apparently, yogurt-pitching black quarterbacks aren’t as common as one would think.
“I’d like to offer my support to Manning in his efforts to deny the HGH allegations. If there’s an NFL player accused of illegally taking something, he probably used to play for Dallas.
“Trust me. Peyton is clean. His playoff record may not be spotless, but he is. He has not taken HGH. Seriously, if we’re going to discuss Manning and acronyms, it should be ‘AARP,’ or ‘RIP,’ or ‘YOLO,’ or ‘MILF.’ That’s stands for ‘Manning I’d Like To Foil.’”
During pre-game warmups, Newton patrols the perimeter of the field, on the lookout for any offensive banners, and confiscates a Nazi flag, a Nationwide banner, a Dannon yogurt banner, physicist Bruce Banner, and rapper David Banner.
Newton then takes a victory lap and becomes the first player to take a pre-game photo with the Lombardi Trophy.
Meanwhile, back in the Denver locker room, Von Miller addresses the Broncos dressed as his favorite Tyler Perry character, and declares it “Super Bowl Madea Day.” Miller proceeds to tell his teammates all they need to hear: “Win one for Manning.”
Manning expresses his appreciation, and reiterates his own motivation: “My idiot mush-mouthed brother has one more Super Bowl win that me, so let’s go out there and make things right with the world.”
What’s the secret to a Broncos’ victory? For one thing, they’ll need a defensive effort as good or better than the one they produced against the Patriots. Here’s the game plan: get pressure on Newton with the front four, commit one defender as a “spy,” double-team Greg Olsen, and dare Carolina’s wide out corps to beat them deep.
Lady Gaga offers a stunning version of the national anthem, then unloads the real stunner, revealing that she is, in fact, shock-rocker Marilyn Manson in drag.
The Broncos win the opening coin as Manning, armed with the knowledge garnered from hours of film study of the Iowa Democratic Caucus, correctly calls tails. Denver elects to defer to the second half, and kicks off.
The Broncos hold the Panthers to one first down and force a punt. Denver’s ensuing drive stalls at midfield, and Britton Colquitt pins the Panthers deep in their own territory. Newton’s deep pass to Ted Ginn, Jr. is picked off by Bradley Roby. Minutes later, on a third down, DeMaryius Thomas makes a routine catch, verifying that not only is his mother present, his hands are as well. Thomas turns the short catch into a 45-yard score, muscling his way through the Carolina defense. It’s 7-0 Broncos.
Denver takes a 13-11 lead into the half.
Coldplay takes the field at halftime to piped-in cheers and paid onlookers, while somewhere in Los Angeles, Gwynneth Paltrow purposely disconnects her coaxial cable from her cable provider’s converter box, also known as “conscious uncoupling.” Fans viewing at home beg for a repeat of Super Bowl 47’s halftime show. No, not Beyonce, but a power failure.
Coldplay’s Chris Martin starts the show with the band’s 2000 “Yellow,” which many interpret as a commentary on the NFL’s drug testing policy. The Londonites then segue effortlessly into a medley of their remaining hits. Twenty-seven seconds later, that’s over and it’s time for Coldplay to honor recently-deceased musicians and singers.
First, it’s a tribute to Natalie Cole, as Martin sings “Unforgettable” with the holograms of Cole and her father, Nat King Cole. Then, in a tribute to Glenn Frey and the New England Patriots’ explanation skills, Coldplay breaks in to the Eagles’ “I Can’t Tell You Why.”
Finally, in a rousing version of Mötörhead’s “Ace Of Spades,” Coldplay is joined onstage by Ozzy Osbourne, who politely informs the stunned band that he is not dead yet. After the song, Osbourne tearfully announces that he has CTE and has donated his brain to science and his liver to psoriasis.
The Panthers defense holds to start the half, and Newton leads his troops on a 75-yard scoring drive, capping it off with a one-yard dive for a touchdown. Carolina leads 17-13.
Carolina adds a field goal, and the Broncos tie it up on a C.J. Anderson TD run. The teams trade field goals, and it’s 23-23.
The Broncos find themselves with the ball with under three minutes left in the fourth. Manning keeps the drive alive with a six-yard scramble on a broken play during which Manning flashes 6.24 40-speed. He then signals “first down,” then rips his jersey open to reveal an “S” on his chest, presumably signifying “Slow.” Brandon McManus later drills a 46-yard field goal with four seconds left.
Denver wins 26-23.