Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
Los Angeles Rams vs. New England (-2)
The Rams beat the Saints 26-23 in the Superdome, winning on Greg Zuerlein’s 57-yard field goal with 11:47 left in overtime.
“We weren’t going to be denied,” Sean McVay said. “In other words, nothing was going to ‘interfere’ with our plans to reach the Super Bowl.
“And speaking of ‘interference,’ the NFL admitted that officials missed an obvious pass interference call on us late in regulation. It was a true ‘game-changer,’ because next season, the game will change. Pass interference will most likely be reviewable. And, if that happens, coaches will be given an additional, I’m guessing, 5-10 coaches challenges per game.
“It’s a good thing the NFL phoned Sean Payton and admitted they missed the pass interference. Otherwise, that would have been another blatant ‘no-call.’
“We know stopping Tom Brady is one of the most difficult tasks in all of football. He may not be the fastest or most physically gifted quarterback, but his mental acumen is immeasurable. In other words, you can’t put a price on his head, unless you’re Sean Payton.”
The Patriots outlasted the Chiefs, winning 37-31 in overtime. New England won the overtime coin toss and promptly marched down the field, ending the game on Rex Burkhead’s two-yard TD run.
“As I said before, I’m the baddest MF’er on the planet. To clarify, in a football sense, not in a ‘I-m-gonna-eat-his-children, praise-be-to-Allah, everyone-has-a-plan-until-they-get-punched-in-the-mouth, pet-tigers, cameo-in-‘The Hangover,’-‘Mike Tyson Mysteries’ kind of way.
“You have to feel for the Chiefs. Since winning Super Bowl IV, Kansas City hasn’t made it back to the big game. The honor of the biggest achievement in professional football has eluded them. You could say the Chiefs have a ‘glory hole’ in their locker room. So, it’s not all bad.
“I enjoyed dueling with Patrick Mahomes. Of course, it wasn’t a real ‘duel.’ If it would have been a real duel, Mahomes would have won, because he’s got a better ‘sidearm.’
“As for the Rams, they’re lucky to be here. And I certainly feel for the Saints. WWE wrestling legend Bret Hart thought he was screwed. My goodness, the Saints got shafted. I suggest they seek counseling from Charles Woodson. I myself know what’s it’s like to be in games decided by extremely controversial officiating calls. I just don’t know what it’s like to be on the wrong end of those calls.
“It’s unfortunate Josh Gordon could not be a part of our playoff run. But trust me when I say, win or lose, Josh will have a Super Bowl hangover. And should we win, Josh will get a Super Bowl ring, and therefore, so will a local pawn shop.
“I’ll have to be aware of the whereabouts of Aaron Donald, the Rams superstar defensive tackle. The rest of the L.A. defense doesn’t scare me at all. Sure, Donald is a 5-time Pro Bowler, but if you tell me the Rams play ‘Pro Bowl defense,’ then I’ll tell you they play defense like they do in the Pro Bowl. I’ve chewed up and spit out better defenses. So, whether you love me or hate me, you likely have the same opinion: ‘Tom Brady eats D’s.’”
The Patriots win the opening coin toss and go on the offensive. Brady goes right at Rams cornerback Nickell Robey-Coleman on three consecutive pass plays, all of which result in defensive pass interference. Robey-Coleman is benched, the NFL pats itself on the back, and, three plays later, Sony Michel punches it in for the touchdown.
After trading punts, the Rams tie the score when Brandin Cooks beats Patrick Chung for a 37-yard touchdown pass from Jared Goff. Cooks taunts Chung and Chung shoves Cooks. Cooks’ teammate Aqib Talib rushes into the fray, surprisingly to maintain the peace. He tells the two to ‘Chill out, because I’m packing heat,’ thus revealing the new slogan for IcyHot and himself as new company spokesman.
It’s 7-7, and after an eventful second quarter, New England takes a 17-13 lead into the half.
Maroon 5 takes the field at halftime, and frontman Adam Levine is immediately pelted by an onslaught of womens’ size 12 panties, as per his rider. The band then roars through a medley of their hits, including ‘Moves Like Jagger.’ Afterwards, Levine professes his love of the Rolling Stones album “Tattoo You,’ and to prove it, gets a new tattoo onstage while Travis Scott takes the mic.
Scott works the crowd into a frenzy with “Sicko Mode.” He then segues into “Wick-O Mode” with special guest Keanu Reeves, then “Thicke-O Mode” with Robin Thicke, then “Dick-O Mode,” with Antonio Brown, then “Kick-O Mode,” with Justin Tucker, and finally, “Sock-O Mode” with Mick Foley.
Finally, Big Boi joins the party and calls for Andre 3000, who then calls for DeAndre 3000, the rap persona of DeAndre Hopkins. The three then stir controversy by inviting NFL “Outkast” Colin Kaepernick to the stage. Kaepernick then takes a knee, right to the groin, from political firestarter Ann Coulter, who transforms into a locust and flies away.
In the second half, the Rams briefly take the lead, but the Pats pull away, powered by Rob Gronkowski and a defense that forces a late Rams turnover.
New England wins, 34-27.